Jokes About Relationships

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices…
Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.
Haven’t laughed in two years.

Losing a wife can be hard.
In some cases, it’s impossible.

Last night my girlfriend told me that I had the body of a god.
I was afraid to ask which one, but I’m pretty sure that god was Buddha.

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

My girlfriend told me I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that when I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

We were at a wedding recently and my husband tried his hand at being romantic.
As the music swelled, he leaned over and whispered, “You’re more beautiful than half the women here.”

Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A man, shocked by his friend’s appearance, asked, “How long have you been wearing a bra?”
His friend answered, “Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Getting married is a lot like going out to eat with friends.
You order what you want but, when you see what someone else has, you want that instead.

3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.

My wife and I are total opposites.
She donates money to the homeless. I donate money to the topless.

A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.

What do wives and bacon have in common?
A lot, actually. They both look, smell and taste great. Plus, they’re both slowly killing you.

Marriage is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill.
But not doing it because you’d miss them.

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wanted to get married.
Apparently, “when I meet the right girl” was the wrong answer.

When two women are in a relationship together…
…how do they know which one is always right?

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”
He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn’t resist it.
I texted my ex saying ‘wish you were here’.

I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww… Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

I tried to remarry my ex.
She figured out I was only after my money.

I asked my girlfriend which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said, “Your sense of humor.”

What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without cheating, everyone is shocked.

My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

The wife sighs contentedly at the dinner table, “I’m no Michelin star chef, but there are two things I really excel at and that’s meatloaf and strudel!” The husband inspects the contents of his plate and asks, “And which of those is this?”

My relationships are a lot like algebra.
I often look at my X and wonder Y.

A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?” “No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”

My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for her birthday.
I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner and now she’s mad.

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said “tell him a fruit joke…”
And if he doesn’t appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

My girlfriend is very insecure about relationships
It probably didn’t help when I told her I’ve never broken up with a girl who wasn’t pregnant.

Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single.
Me: Coaches don’t play.

My friend has had 15 years of happy marriage. And she only used up 4 husbands!

My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”
I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”
“Stop eating caterpillars!”

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.
There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Wife faints..

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, “Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?”
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, “No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love’.”
The jeweller smiled and said, “Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.”
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, “Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.”

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, that would explain why the mother of the bride is always crying.

Relationships are like fat people
most of of them dont work out

So my wife came to me and yelled ,”We need to fix this relationship ASAP!”
I took action and I brought home divorce papers.

My boyfriend used to tell me I was one in a million.
After going through his text messages, I found out that he was right.

I treat relationships like math problems
Once I get confused I start cheating.

Which animal is not faithful in a relationship?
Cheetah

I broke off my relationship with my cross-eyed girlfriend
She was seeing someone on the side

Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.

What does a tornado and marriage have in common?
In the beginning there’s a lot of blowing and sucking. In the end, someone is left without a house.