Jokes About Marriage

Marriage jokes can be shared with a couple on their wedding day, you can add a few marriage jokes to spice up your wedding speech or toast. But, you need to be fully aware of the couples sense of humor, as this will guide you on the kind of marriage jokes to share on their wedding day.

Marriage jokes can also be used by couples to make fun of how challenging married life can be at times.

In this article, you will find the best and most hilarious jokes about marriage to share as a wedding speech or with your partner on your wedding anniversary.

80 Funny Wedding Jokes About Marriage

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

It is said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. During the second year of the marriage, the wife speaks and the husband listens. And on the third year of marriage, both the husband and wife speak and the neighbors listen.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

You should never be in a big rush to end your marriage with your spouse. You never know if you might need them to finish a sentence.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

What are the three big rings of life? They are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”

My husband is of the opinion that I am absolutely crazy. But if he is the one who decided to get married to me, then that makes him even crazier than I am.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

A husband was looking at himself in the mirror and asked his wife, “will you still love me when I am old, fat, and bald?” She replied, “I do.”

The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. She replies, “It’s me talking to the wine.”

Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

One day, a husband told his wife that her rear end was getting so big that it was as big as their grill. Later that night, he tried to get intimate with her in bed only for the wife to reply, “do you really think that I am going to fire up this grill for just one little weenie?”

My wife renewed our marriage subscription for another season.

Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? He majored in communications in college and I majored in theater. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen.

Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

An archaeologist is definitely the best husband a woman could ever have. The reason for this is because the older she gets, the more he will be interested in her.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes. I married the wrong man.”

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s status.

When a man goes and steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or his wife is new.

Marriage is an incredible invention, but then again so is the toaster.

Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I was married by a judge. Little did I know that I should have asked for a jury too.

Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

“People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.”

Do you know what the big difference is between love and marriage? Love is the sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

What is the ideal marriage? One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind.

A woman was telling her friend: “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” the friend asked.
The woman replied, “A multimillionaire.”

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?”
Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”

Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn’t know her first name was “Always”.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and ki*ss his wife.
She turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey.
I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
“Do you have a dentist appointment, too?”

Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are wrong.

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.
“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. “Heavens no,” he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. “Twelve!”, exclaimed the groom. “What could anyone want with twelve new dresses?” She replied, “Twelve new pairs of shoes, of course.”

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

I discovered that my credit card was stolen but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, ‘Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, “Darling, I don’t want people to realize we are newlyweds. I want them to think we have been married for years!” The groom replied, “Are you sure you can manage both suitcases?”

My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after every divorce she gets to keep the house.

Marriage isn’t for everybody—men for instance!

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.

On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that, ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes.”

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.

My son asked me father what is it like to be married? so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

My wife says I never listen… or something like that.

I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.